Churban

I lost a friend today.

No, it wasn't due to an attack, or an accident, or an illness.

And I mourn.

I mourn because something I loved was snatched from me, because I didn't meet some unrealistic expectations.

I mourn for a ripening cluster of grapes that withered on the vine because they were purple, and the vine insisted they be green.

Could there be a "better" time for a tangible reason to mourn, than the three weeks between the 17th of Tammuz, and Tisha B'Av?

The Churban, the destruction, of the Beit HaMikdash - it is not the building that we mourn the loss of  - it is the relationship with God that evaporated before our eyes.  That is something worth mourning.

The adult child of a friend of mine was recently burned out of her home.  Only her most cherished belongings were saved.  She does not mourn.  What was lost were "things".  Despite the disruption, difficulty, and expense - only "things" were lost.  Her family is with her.  Her friends are with her. God is with her.  He has not increased His distance, or hidden His face.

We mourn during this time for the loss of relationship, not the loss of a building.

I have heard from many people that they are having challenges in relationships during this three week period.  How we deal with those challenges may determine the length of our spiritual exile.

I tried to speak to the Creator.  It was hard, and strange.  But I heard the answer.  The answer was:
"Be grateful for the rebuke".

Rebuke is a powerful pathway toward humility.  Someone once said "sometimes he needs a good kick in the pants with his orange juice in the morning".   True rebuke comes out of love.  So through the rebuke, I know that the Creator is trying to wake me up, to fix me.  Because it's important to Him.

Thank you, HaShem, for rebuking me.

But I also ask You, exactly what is it that I'm being rebuked for?  My list of shortcomings is long.

And I still mourn.  And maybe that's the lesson.  Maybe to mourn properly for the loss of the greater connection, I need to feel the loss of a lesser connection?  For that, I am grateful, because I've said in the past that we have too much mourning in our yearly cycle.  Maybe that was my mistake.  I don't know.  But this will be on my mind on Tisha B'Av.  Maybe the tears will come. I will be disappointed if they don't.

I ask why it is that there are people that demand so much - that keep an itemized list of who owes them what - a rigid standard of what is required of friendship?

I heard Rabbi Zev Leff speak over Pesach.  Something he said has stuck with me.  He said that some people have a pre-conceived notion of how Moshiach will come.  So much so, that if Moshiach comes in some other way, they will refuse to recognize it.  He said that Moshiach will come in a manner of his own choosing, and it is up to us to relinquish our rigid notions of the manner of his arrival.

So, I want to say to my friends and family, that I cherish you.  Not for who I want you to be, but for who you are. And I am grateful that you accept me, warts and all, for exactly who I am.  Friendship depends on forgiveness, for we usually let each other down in one way or another.

To be unable to forgive, is to choose exile over redemption.

Or is it just me?